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longbich
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Posted: Fri Dec 16th, 2005 05:34 am |
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TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 1.8 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10. Cannabis
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sailor
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Posted: Fri Dec 16th, 2005 02:31 pm |
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| do you mean the French Canadian's????????
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sailor
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Posted: Fri Dec 16th, 2005 02:34 pm |
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Are talking about the French Canadians
SamHouston wrote:
Canadaian Eh! wrote: God creates Canada.
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
Now that's funny  ![[bounce]](/forums/themes/default/1syellow1.gif) lmao!!!!!Sammy......
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L Gilbert
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Posted: Fri Dec 16th, 2005 09:03 pm |
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longbich wrote:
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 1.8 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10. Cannabis
LOL. That's also 10 reasons NOT to live in BC, though.
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L Gilbert
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Posted: Sat Dec 17th, 2005 07:55 am |
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A young man named Paul bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead."
Paul replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Paul said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".
The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"
Paul said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Paul, with a big smile on his face, said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Paul and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Paul said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $698.00."
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
And Paul replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy."
Paul grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Canada, and no matter the stories he tells or how much money he took from Canadian voters, as long as he gave them back some of the money, most of them thought he was a great guy.
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longbich
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Posted: Thu Dec 22nd, 2005 06:55 am |
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An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
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newleaf
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Posted: Thu Dec 22nd, 2005 07:05 am |
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longbich wrote: An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
A Canadian is visiting Australia. He stops into a bar in a small village in the outback where he's scrutinized by two locals who are into their 8th or 9th Foster's of the day. One of the Aussies goes over to the tourist and holds out his hand. "hey, mate," he says, " Name's Bruce. Where're you from?" The Canadian looks up, smiles and says "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." Bruce looks at him a moment and says "Uh, right." He turns and goes back to his buddy at the bar. His buddy says, "So did ya ask him where he was from?" Bruce says "yeah." His buddy says "Well, where did he say he was from?" Bruce shakes his head and says " Dunno, poor bastard couldn't speak English."
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signatureblack
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Posted: Fri Dec 23rd, 2005 02:39 am |
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L iars, you know who you are, the ones that tell Fibs (Liberals).
I nept, that would be Martins only excuse for (maybe) not knowing about Adscam !
B uddies, the (organized) system where they steal from the tax paying Canadians.
E lite, these are the one that belong to the buddy system.
R ich, spoiled, selfish criminals with their hand in your pocket legally ( and illegaly).
A dscam, the culmination of above !
L aughable, the world's view of Canadians who don't get it.
![[can]](/forums/themes/default/canada.gif)
Save Canada, don't vote Liberal!
<editing for schoolyard>
Last edited on Fri Dec 23rd, 2005 04:29 am by
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longbich
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Posted: Fri Dec 23rd, 2005 11:57 am |
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Canadian humor = signatureblack
Member
But most Canadians have a sense of humor and do not need this kind of ?? eh what is it? Duuuh I dunno huh?
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L Gilbert
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Posted: Fri Dec 23rd, 2005 09:15 pm |
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Sig. You started something. I thought your last post was pretty cute, so I stuck it in another forum I frequent (of course, I duly gave you the credit). Then I come up with this:
O ligarchic
T actless
T autological
A sinine
W itless
A rrogant
and it was followed by;
N uts
D opes
P utzes - Spock, Vulcan (he means the provincial ndp in BC)
and this from a transplanted Ontarian:
O bsequious
N arcissistic
T ruculent
A rrogant
R uled
I mpenetrable
O bdurate - PS, BC
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longbich
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Posted: Mon Dec 26th, 2005 10:14 pm |
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A French Canadian guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
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longbich
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Posted: Mon Dec 26th, 2005 10:20 pm |
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A baby seal goes into a bar and waddles onto a bar stool.
The bartender says, "What will you have?"
The baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club"
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longbich
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Posted: Thu Dec 29th, 2005 06:13 am |
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There is a blizzard at Calgary Airport. The highway north to Edmonton is closed. Planes land at Calgary but are not allowed to proceed north. The airport is full of folks with their varying amounts of drama, stuck in the airport. Kids are crying, babies are being born, snow is falling, winds howling, arguments, hassles, comforting and constant questioning of the airport staff on when when when we can get out and on our way again. An oil man frustrated by the waiting pushes his way past the bewildered and the cranky and he demands of the desk jockey that his complaint be heard. The airport guy says yes its hard for all of us what with the blizzard and all but we'll just have to have patience and wait it out like we always do. This is not good enough for the irate oil man. He says " Listen here this is not good enough . I have to get to Edmonton. I have a very important meeting. Do you know who I am?"
The desk guy says loudly, gesturing to the crowd" Attention everyone! Attention. We have a lot happening here tonight and we are all having problems but I have a man here with a very difficult situation. Can anyone here help this man? Does anyone know who he is......This man does not know who he is. Can anyone help?"
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longbich
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Posted: Thu Dec 29th, 2005 11:49 pm |
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From the introduction to Monty Python's skit about Lumberjacks... After reading it try to get the tune and the vision out of your head for the rest of the day. Good Luck
I never really wanted to be a weatherman...
Babbling on all day, High Pressure Systems, light showers,
Bah... I wanted to be... a... a LUMBERJACK!!
Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the river through BRITISH COLUMBIA...
the mighty oak,
the wrapping willow,
the tall redwood, the lofty Scot's pine...
Last edited on Thu Dec 29th, 2005 11:49 pm by longbich
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longbich
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Posted: Fri Dec 30th, 2005 07:26 am |
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Okay you guys enough is enough....this is my last almost last sort've last go at pepping you guys up 'cause I know that you are all down 'cause of your elections and all. Oh well we all have to go through it...c'mon you guys lighten up....You could be living in the country south of you!
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Canadians don't change light bulbs, we accept them as they are.
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L Gilbert
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Posted: Tue Jan 3rd, 2006 04:53 am |
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No offense intended for the females here in Perspectives, but:
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Newfoundlander got the job.Last edited on Tue Jan 3rd, 2006 04:54 am by L Gilbert
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L Gilbert
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Posted: Tue Jan 3rd, 2006 07:06 pm |
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Anyone remember Hank Snow, Johnny Cash, Stompin Tom Connors, etc. doing a tune called "I've been everywhere"?
I played with it a bit last night and this morning:
We've seen the liberals, man
Saw them rob us blind, man
We've laid their greed bare, man
Never dealt the public square, man
We've seen the liberals
We've seen them
perjuring,
conniving,
contriving,
snivelling,
posturing,
mismanaging,
pompous,
avaricious,
ignominious,
pedamorphic,
hubristic,
undemocratic,
immature,
corrupt,
arrogant,
insensible,
nonsensible,
irresponsible,
unconscionable,
incorrigible,
We've seen the liberal way................
We've seen the liberal way, man
We've seen the liberal way.
They've screwed us in the ear.
They've screwed us everywhere.
Cross the prairie fields, man
In the mountain air.
They've done us in
Salmo,
Toronto..............
Given time I could fill in the lyrics more.
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longbich
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Posted: Wed Jan 4th, 2006 03:12 am |
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| That's pretty bloody good L. Gilbert. I'm impressed. But maybe its a bit close to the bone to be funny. You guys must be really feeling it over there with so much pain on this Canada board.
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L Gilbert
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Posted: Wed Jan 4th, 2006 05:17 am |
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longbich wrote: That's pretty bloody good L. Gilbert. I'm impressed. But maybe its a bit close to the bone to be funny. You guys must be really feeling it over there with so much pain on this Canada board.
The problem seems to be getting the ROC to realize that, especially Ottawa. There's a variety of reasons why it's this way, as I've shown. But, this is the funny thread, so I'll make a funny:
One day the ROC may wake up to find while its head was in the mud, the west has risen past it and has taken the eggs as well. (I know ostriches don't really do that but it remains pretty descriptive).
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Wed Jan 4th, 2006 05:32 am |
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Canadian joke about Texans:
Seems there was a Texan showed up in Oz one time to see how ranching was done there. He'd been conversing with one of the locals and had been offered hospitality. The Aussie was quite hospitable and was showing the Texan around his ranch. He was getting pretty tired of hearing how big everything in Texas was when a few roos bounced across their path. The Texan grabbed his Stetson and exclaimed, "Wut thuh hell wazzat?" The Aussie replied, "You never saw grasshoppers before?"
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