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longbich
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Posted: Sun Jan 8th, 2006 06:06 am |
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The difference between a New Yorker seeing his CAR being vandalized & a Canadian seeing HIS car being vandalized is:
The New Yorker will yell "EH!!!! Wot you think yur DOING??"
The Canadian will yell "Wot you think yur doing EH!!???"
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longbich
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Posted: Sun Jan 8th, 2006 11:52 pm |
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?
Take away their brooms!
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longbich
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Posted: Mon Jan 9th, 2006 03:46 am |
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| Canadian analogue to "as American as apple pie." The winner was "as Canadian as possible under the circumstances."
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longbich
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Posted: Mon Jan 9th, 2006 03:54 am |
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Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) called the most polluted city in North America, Flin Flon, Manitoba. The CBC ran a radio contest many years ago , first prize was a week in Flin Flon, second prize was two weeks in Flin Flon, third prize was a month in Flin Flon.
President George W.Bush visited Ottawa:
The president did not address parliament in the capital, Ottawa, apparently because of the risk of being heckled.
The US has a President who’s afraid of being heckled. By Canadians.
This is part of showing the world how strong we are, right?
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L Gilbert
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Posted: Mon Jan 9th, 2006 07:47 am |
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longbich wrote: Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) called the most polluted city in North America, Flin Flon, Manitoba. The CBC ran a radio contest many years ago , first prize was a week in Flin Flon, second prize was two weeks in Flin Flon, third prize was a month in Flin Flon.
President George W.Bush visited Ottawa:
The president did not address parliament in the capital, Ottawa, apparently because of the risk of being heckled.
The US has a President who’s afraid of being heckled. By Canadians.
This is part of showing the world how strong we are, right?
I like that. Funny.
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longbich
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Posted: Mon Jan 9th, 2006 11:27 pm |
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Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?
They're both fkn close to water!
A Canadian walks into a bar. (ha ha ha I like it!)
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longbich
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Posted: Thu Jan 12th, 2006 04:03 am |
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Top 10 Reasons to Live in Saskatchewan
- You never run out of wheat
- Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
- Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
- Your province is really easy to draw
- You never have to worry about rollback if you have a standard
- It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbour's house
- YOUR Rough-riders survived
- You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
- People will assume you live on a farm
- Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
and the one before about the Canadian who walks into a bar just cracks me up...ha ha ho wow!
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signatureblack
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Posted: Sat Jan 14th, 2006 06:18 pm |
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Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!)
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!!!!!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a List of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the Hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q. Can I speak English In Canada. (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
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Lexie
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Posted: Sat Jan 14th, 2006 07:08 pm |
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What does the expression "Little Beaver" mean in Canada? 
I can't tell you the answer to that one, it's to bad.
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KnightofAmerica
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Posted: Sat Jan 14th, 2006 09:25 pm |
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one Canadian guy went to France, and he was shopping, and he was going to pay the cash.
And this cashier asked the questions
cashier: you American?
canadian: no, I'm from Canada.
cashier: Oh, where is that state? Beside New York?
canadian: No...it's a country
cashier: oh, where is that?
canadian: right beside the US
cashier: You speak like an American!! I know you are from America!!
canadian: No, look at my backpack. This maple leaf is my country's flag!!
cashier: oh no, that's a marijuana leaf. Just stop lying about where you are from!!
canadian: NO I'm telling you!! I'm from the country called Canada where there are beautiful natures, great buildings, and great people!!
cashier: And that's America. Will you just stop it, please? I know you are an American.
canadian: ok, I'm an American...........................................
and next day, he came back to Canada, and he was reading the book called "How to get a job in the United States and become an American citizen"
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KnightofAmerica
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Posted: Sat Jan 14th, 2006 09:30 pm |
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longbich wrote: An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
And then the Canadian man got arrested, and said on the interview "I AM FREAKIN TOO JEALOUS OF THE AMERICANS SO I DID IT, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?!?!? HUH?!?!?! THOSE MONEY AND POWER HUNGRY MONSTERS ALL SHOULD DIE!! ARRGG!! AND YOU KNOW THAT IN CANADA, TERRORISTS GET 15% DISCOUNT FOR THE AIR PLANE TICKETS!!! I SO HATE AMERICANS AND I WILL JUST KILL ALL OF THEM!! ALLLL!!!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I gotta get the hell out of this country as soon as possible and go back to my home California
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longbich
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Posted: Sat Jan 14th, 2006 11:00 pm |
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You guys are really lucky in the USA.
You know... malls, chain stores, electronics warehouses, online ordering, etc. Here in Canada, we have to travel by dog team to northern Manitoba to buy computer hardware/software.
There is a little Igloo there (yep, built from snow and ice) and the owner is pretty nice. He doesn't speak English but you can just grunt once for "Yes" or twice for "No". It's kind of a universal language here in Canada.
I usually travel there in late summer when the temperature is only -20C.
Last summer I got a wicked deal on Doom II and NHL 84, only cost me three beaver pelts!!!
Too bad my right arm got frost bitten on the journey and I had to have it amputated.
The year before that I traded a bear skin for what I thought was a VCR. When I got home I was disappointed to find out it was a vacumn cleaner!
Like I said, you guys in the USA sure are lucky.
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L Gilbert
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Posted: Sat Jan 14th, 2006 11:50 pm |
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Good thing this is a fun thread, or I might have mentioned a particular group's habit of shooting allies and calling it "friendly fire", ships drugs across borders for everyone to enjoy, sticks its nose in the rest of the planets business whether its wanted or not, wages war using false pretenses, etc. 
And the moral of the story? People in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks. Funny, huh?
Last edited on Sat Jan 14th, 2006 11:50 pm by L Gilbert
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KnightofAmerica
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Posted: Sun Jan 15th, 2006 01:22 am |
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longbich wrote: You guys are really lucky in the USA.
You know... malls, chain stores, electronics warehouses, online ordering, etc. Here in Canada, we have to travel by dog team to northern Manitoba to buy computer hardware/software.
There is a little Igloo there (yep, built from snow and ice) and the owner is pretty nice. He doesn't speak English but you can just grunt once for "Yes" or twice for "No". It's kind of a universal language here in Canada.
I usually travel there in late summer when the temperature is only -20C.
Last summer I got a wicked deal on Doom II and NHL 84, only cost me three beaver pelts!!!
Too bad my right arm got frost bitten on the journey and I had to have it amputated.
The year before that I traded a bear skin for what I thought was a VCR. When I got home I was disappointed to find out it was a vacumn cleaner!
Like I said, you guys in the USA sure are lucky.
hmm....but I thought you were from Australia?
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KnightofAmerica
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Posted: Sun Jan 15th, 2006 01:37 am |
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there is a country that always hopes to get protected by everyone. If the US is against that country, then will ask for commonwealth nations and the UK to help. If the commonwealth nations and the UK are against this country, then will ask America for help. It's like this. If daddy is mad, then will hide on the mommy's back. If mommy is mad, then will have to hide on the daddy's back.
Culturally completely americanized, and failed to establish their own identity. Well, maybe they do have one. Traditional one, Anti-Americanism.
Military is weak(or probably there is no such thing as military in this country), food sucks, most of the stuff are from America, but Anti-Americanism, suffering from the separation problems, etc.
...wait, is this even a country? I seriously wonder...................................
Last edited on Sun Jan 15th, 2006 01:40 am by KnightofAmerica
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longbich
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Posted: Sun Jan 15th, 2006 03:59 am |
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KnightofAmerica wrote: hmm....but I thought you were from Australia?
You are right KnightofAmerica I am from and am living in Australia but this thread is about Canadian humour. So I have been dumping a few Canadian anecdotes on the thread. I thought you were from California. Isn't that in America? So you are an American joke right?
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KnightofAmerica
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Posted: Sun Jan 15th, 2006 05:25 am |
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longbich wrote: KnightofAmerica wrote: hmm....but I thought you were from Australia?
You are right KnightofAmerica I am from and am living in Australia but this thread is about Canadian humour. So I have been dumping a few Canadian anecdotes on the thread. I thought you were from California. Isn't that in America? So you are an American joke right?
hm, not quite. I'm currently in the center of Canada for some business and some Canadian people think that I'm here to destroy this country, but no...I'm only here for some business to do.
and originally I'm from California, yes. that last statement I made was real, not a joke.
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L Gilbert
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Posted: Mon Jan 16th, 2006 09:05 am |
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KnightofAmerica wrote: there is a country that always hopes to get protected by everyone. If the US is against that country, then will ask for commonwealth nations and the UK to help. If the commonwealth nations and the UK are against this country, then will ask America for help. It's like this. If daddy is mad, then will hide on the mommy's back. If mommy is mad, then will have to hide on the daddy's back.
Culturally completely americanized, and failed to establish their own identity. Well, maybe they do have one. Traditional one, Anti-Americanism.
Military is weak(or probably there is no such thing as military in this country), food sucks, most of the stuff are from America, but Anti-Americanism, suffering from the separation problems, etc.
...wait, is this even a country? I seriously wonder...................................
Last time Americans decided to have a fight with Canada, the got their asses whupped. By the French even. I agree with you that Canada isn't quite Americanized, our culture isn't based on either swindling people out of oil or whatever nor is it based on waging war all over the globe. We are a relatively peaceful country. We don't try to con other countries into helping with a missile defense sytem that doesn't do anything but suck money out of taxpayers pockets to feed big American companies pockets. Cheese is better, milk is better, chicken's better, bacon's better. I won't even mention BEER. Folks around the planet like us better, too.
Sure we have problems, but name me a country that doesn't. Like I said, folks in glass houses...........
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L Gilbert
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Posted: Mon Jan 16th, 2006 09:09 am |
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KnightofAmerica wrote: longbich wrote: KnightofAmerica wrote: hmm....but I thought you were from Australia?
You are right KnightofAmerica I am from and am living in Australia but this thread is about Canadian humour. So I have been dumping a few Canadian anecdotes on the thread. I thought you were from California. Isn't that in America? So you are an American joke right?
hm, not quite. I'm currently in the center of Canada for some business and some Canadian people think that I'm here to destroy this country, but no...I'm only here for some business to do.
and originally I'm from California, yes. that last statement I made was real, not a joke.
Just outta curiosity, whose oil you trying to swind sorry, er make a "deal" for, rather?
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Drake
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Posted: Mon Jan 16th, 2006 07:24 pm |
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I thought this was appropriate for our political times
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the
judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell
Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
<edit for size and format>
Last edited on Fri Jan 20th, 2006 04:29 am by
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