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L Gilbert
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Posted: Mon Jan 16th, 2006 07:36 pm |
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| Well, that was nice and rude. You couldn't have shrunk the font down to a reasonable size?
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Drake
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Posted: Mon Jan 16th, 2006 08:01 pm |
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L Gilbert wrote: Well, that was nice and rude. You couldn't have shrunk the font down to a reasonable size?
I suppose, but I didn't get to the edit feature fast enough.
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Mon Jan 16th, 2006 08:26 pm |
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Drake wrote: L Gilbert wrote: Well, that was nice and rude. You couldn't have shrunk the font down to a reasonable size?
I suppose, but I didn't get to the edit feature fast enough.
lol
Well, I suppose mistooks happen. 
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KnightofAmerica
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Posted: Tue Jan 17th, 2006 10:03 pm |
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L Gilbert wrote: KnightofAmerica wrote: there is a country that always hopes to get protected by everyone. If the US is against that country, then will ask for commonwealth nations and the UK to help. If the commonwealth nations and the UK are against this country, then will ask America for help. It's like this. If daddy is mad, then will hide on the mommy's back. If mommy is mad, then will have to hide on the daddy's back. 
Culturally completely americanized, and failed to establish their own identity. Well, maybe they do have one. Traditional one, Anti-Americanism.
Military is weak(or probably there is no such thing as military in this country), food sucks, most of the stuff are from America, but Anti-Americanism, suffering from the separation problems, etc.
...wait, is this even a country? I seriously wonder...................................
Last time Americans decided to have a fight with Canada, the got their asses whupped. By the French even. I agree with you that Canada isn't quite Americanized, our culture isn't based on either swindling people out of oil or whatever nor is it based on waging war all over the globe. We are a relatively peaceful country. We don't try to con other countries into helping with a missile defense sytem that doesn't do anything but suck money out of taxpayers pockets to feed big American companies pockets. Cheese is better, milk is better, chicken's better, bacon's better. I won't even mention BEER. Folks around the planet like us better, too.
Sure we have problems, but name me a country that doesn't. Like I said, folks in glass houses...........
The French supported us, my genius friend. And also, Canadians need to realize that Canada never beat anyone. It was the British who always were taking care of the Canadians.
And besides, if we got the Iraqi oil, then why didn't we get the oil when the Gulf war happened? And how come there is no news that we are stealing oil from Iraq? Hmm? Do you even know, where this oil thing issue came from? I doubt you even know.
Also, Canada is americanized in the cultural way. That's what I said.
Waging wars because the United States has reasons to, and the US possesses the power to.
And besides, defense is an American spell. Canadian is defenCe.
And if the troubles happen, then Canada will have to suffer. If that's what Canada wants, then ok. That's none of our business then.
And when did I say I was talking about Canada? Did I even mention Canada in that? Why are you being so picky and desperately trying to deny the things I wrote anyway?
The country that rich people get richer and poor people get poorer, I believe that this country needs to learn more about Capitalism first. From the leader of Capitalism..
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longbich
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Posted: Tue Jan 17th, 2006 10:37 pm |
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KnightOfAmerica wrote:Waging wars because the United States has reasons to, and the US possesses the power to.
And besides, defense is an American spell. Canadian is defenCe.
And when did I say I was talking about Canada? Did I even mention Canada in that? Why are you being so picky and desperately trying to deny the things I wrote anyway?
The country that rich people get richer and poor people get poorer, I believe that this country needs to learn more about Capitalism first. From the leader of Capitalism.
I know that this is a humour board Knight but can you tone it down a little. You are making belly laughs when the rest of us were only raising chuckles. Whoever said that Americans can't do irony haven't seen you in action eh?Sometimes it takes me a while to get the kernel of humour that is lurking in one of your American jokes about Canada but when I find it wow! you have a gift Knight. That bit about "Did I even mention Canada?" ha that was a real rib tickler. And the wholesome truth in that punchline about America waging war because it can....gosh you say it all in a one-liner ho ho.
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Wed Jan 18th, 2006 12:28 am |
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KnightofAmerica wrote: L Gilbert wrote: Last time Americans decided to have a fight with Canada, the got their asses whupped. By the French even. I agree with you that Canada isn't quite Americanized, our culture isn't based on either swindling people out of oil or whatever nor is it based on waging war all over the globe. We are a relatively peaceful country. We don't try to con other countries into helping with a missile defense sytem that doesn't do anything but suck money out of taxpayers pockets to feed big American companies pockets. Cheese is better, milk is better, chicken's better, bacon's better. I won't even mention BEER. Folks around the planet like us better, too.
Sure we have problems, but name me a country that doesn't. Like I said, folks in glass houses...........
The French supported us, my genius friend. And also, Canadians need to realize that Canada never beat anyone. It was the British who always were taking care of the Canadians.
Wrong, dopey. The French Canadians whupped your ass. And, BTW, they did it a couple times back when the US and Canada had similar populations. One was about 1812. Google it, einstein.
And besides, if we got the Iraqi oil, then why didn't we get the oil when the Gulf war happened? And how come there is no news that we are stealing oil from Iraq? Hmm? Do you even know, where this oil thing issue came from? I doubt you even know. I don't care where it happened or when it happened. Only thing I'm pretty sure of is the US is constantly trying to swindle people out of something.
Also, Canada is americanized in the cultural way. That's what I said. Wrong again, dopey. What you said was, "Culturally completely americanized, and failed to establish their own identity. Well, maybe they do have one. Traditional one, Anti-Americanism. " And I replied,"Canada isn't quite Americanized, our culture isn't based on either swindling people out of oil or whatever nor is it based on waging war all over the globe. We are a relatively peaceful country. We don't try to con other countries into helping with a missile defense sytem that doesn't do anything but suck money out of taxpayers pockets to feed big American companies pockets."
Waging wars because the United States has reasons to, and the US possesses the power to. Right. Illegal wars based on false pretenses, like Iraq. Possessing the power to wage war is definitely a good reason to wage war. Seems to me Germany tried that a couple times, Russia tried it a couple times, etc. Yep. Definitely laudable behavior.
And besides, defense is an American spell. Canadian is defenCe. Who gives a crap? I hardly think you are capable of giving me a spelling lesson. Besides, that hardly has anything to do with the discussion.
And if the troubles happen, then Canada will have to suffer. If that's what Canada wants, then ok. That's none of our business then.
And when did I say I was talking about Canada? Did I even mention Canada in that? Why are you being so picky and desperately trying to deny the things I wrote anyway? Well, in case you don't remember, it was your post back a ways that instigated the issue:
"And then the Canadian man got arrested, and said on the interview "I AM FREAKIN TOO JEALOUS OF THE AMERICANS SO I DID IT, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?!?!? HUH?!?!?! THOSE MONEY AND POWER HUNGRY MONSTERS ALL SHOULD DIE!! ARRGG!! AND YOU KNOW THAT IN CANADA, TERRORISTS GET 15% DISCOUNT FOR THE AIR PLANE TICKETS!!! I SO HATE AMERICANS AND I WILL JUST KILL ALL OF THEM!! ALLLL!!!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I gotta get the hell out of this country as soon as possible and go back to my home California ..............." You knew perfectly well, this wasn't funny. And besides that, if you scroll down to the bottom of the pages in this forum, you might notice that it says,"NO YELLING (using mostly capital letters in your subject/description or mostly font size >2 in message).............."
The country that rich people get richer and poor people get poorer, I believe that this country needs to learn more about Capitalism first. From the leader of Capitalism.. I believe that China is making huge strides these days, while the US is wallowing in mud. How's your economy compared to ours? How's your unemployment? How's your national debt?
Last edited on Wed Jan 18th, 2006 12:33 am by L Gilbert
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Wed Jan 18th, 2006 12:32 am |
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On that note, I have a joke. Admittedly it's not a joke about a Canadian, but it may serve to lighten things up:
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, US Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".
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longbich
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Posted: Wed Jan 18th, 2006 01:22 am |
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 An outport is a fishing village in Newfoundland. One house doth a village make?
One Newfie to another about old Neb "They say that man sprung from the apes. Old Neb must have had a sore leg when he jumped."
Why was the Newfie pushing his house down the hill? He was trying to jump start the furnace.
If you ask a Newfoundlander why he never learned to swim: "No point me son! Then it would just take longer to drown."
A matron, visiting from Toronto, encounters a young boy offering blueberries for sale. The matron remarks; "If they are blueberries why are some of them red?".
"Cause dey's green, Mam."
The same Toronto dame encounters a young boy pulling a seal behind him along the snow. She asks "What is that my child?".
"A swile Mam".
"A swile? How do you spell that?"
"You don't spell swiles Mam, you hauls 'em." (In Newfoundland to spell something is to carry it on your shoulders
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longbich
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Posted: Fri Jan 20th, 2006 12:47 am |
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NATIONAL LAW
Every fifth song on Canadian radio must be by a Canadian born citizen.
You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.
Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
Section 331 of the Canadian Criminal Code states that it is illegal to send a telegram or letter threatening a bird.
 
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Fri Jan 20th, 2006 07:36 am |
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Election to-do list: Find wise men
Welcome to our campaign planners for week No. 1 of the 2005 federal election campaign. Party brass will provide up-to-the minute announcements on policies and candidate info. For more detailed reports on Campaign 2005, please refer to: http://www.I'dRatherGo-XmasShopping-thanListentoThese-PINHEADS.ca
By BOB ROBERTSON
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Liberal Party planner
Week 1
To all candidates; please carry out the following:
From now on, refuse any further Grey Cup invitations.
Get rid of remaining $7-billion surplus blowout by giving $60-million to Agoraphobia Treatment Centres. Although sufferers will never make it to the centres, the buildings will always be a reminder of Liberal largesse.
Remove Bono from Christmas card list.
Oh, yes, also remove David Kilgour and Carolyn Parrish.
Send the following memo to campaign workers: Liberal candidates must always be referred to as "Great Canadians," never "Good fellas."
In campaign advertising, any use of the word Gomery in whole or in part is punishable by tying the culprit to a chair, projecting a giant image of Stephen Harper's face and playing Seasons in the Sun over and over on a CD player.
All firms doing campaign advertising must first be cleared by Crime Stoppers.
Campaign expense accounts must never include the words "package of gum" or "massage."
Remind candidates that when campaigning door to door over the Christmas season, they should always communicate through the peep hole so as to stop valuable heat from escaping from the house.
All campaign buses will be replaced by one-horse open sleighs. Tell media to bring blankets and thermoses.
All Liberal candidates in Alberta must wear helmets with visors and full body armour.
In order to sell the outrage among voters over the timing of the election, our campaign theme song will be Do They Know It's Christmas?
Conservative Party planner
Week 1
Advise all candidates to adhere to the following:
When campaigning door to door and we are asked what our policies are, reply simply with a shrug and a goofy smile. Remember, Canadians love honesty.
Remove Ralph Klein from Christmas card list.
We are the party of the Christian Right, but do not use the word Jesus except when walking through -30 C wind chill.
Stay away from potential lawsuits by avoiding the term "organized crime." However, when discussing the Liberal advertising scandal, suddenly break into an impression of Marlon Brando as Don Corleone.
When questioned about the personality of our party leader, in measured tones explain that lack of charisma never stopped George W. Bush from being elected twice and, if asked who our party leader is, tell them that depends on the outcome of the election.
For campaigning in Quebec, remind all respondents that Lucien Bouchard was once a Conservative. For your information, we will field a full slate of Quebec candidates, although most, by now, have lost the will to live.
There will be no campaigning on Christmas Day. Instead, we are planning a Bethlehem manger tableau made up of Conservative members. We have cast almost all the parts but are still searching for Three Wise Men.
Making Christmas tree ornaments shaped like our candidates is not advised, as voters will believe it is a long-sought opportunity to hang all politicians from
a tree this Christmas.
NDP planner
Week 1
These are only suggestions but should be considered by all candidates:
When asked by voters which party we will support in the next minority government, never use the term "sleeping around."
Refrain from references to "the party of the left." Instead, refer to it as "That '60s Show."
Remove Paul Martin from Christmas card list.
Your message to voters must always mention that, while other parties rise and fall in the polls, we remain, unwaveringly, in fourth place.
Constantly remind reporters that we are currently in merger discussions with our brothers and sisters in the Green Party. Have the media consider this: We are at 16 per cent in the polls; the Green Party is at 3.9 per cent. By joining forces, we could easily become the… please disregard the previous suggestion.
Bloc Québécois planner
Week 1
Remove Parti Québécois Leader André Boisclair from Christmas card list.
Otherwise, relax. Enjoy the Christmas holidays. No campaigning required for this election.
Bob Robertson is a member of the comedy group Double Exposure and a columnist for the Globe & Mail
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Drake
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Posted: Mon Jan 23rd, 2006 03:03 pm |
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... a joke
History Lesson
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.
2) They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
3) The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
4) Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
5) Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the "Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing.
6) This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement". Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'
7) Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
8) Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
9) Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
10) Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
11) Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
12) Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with their production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
13) Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply giggling and forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true believers."
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longbich
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Posted: Mon Jan 23rd, 2006 10:34 pm |
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Martin, Harper and Layton are flying on the Executive Airbus to a
gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Harper and says,
chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now
and make someone very happy."
Harper shrugs and replies, "Well, I could
throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy." Not
to be outdone, Layton says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the
window and make a hundred people happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant
asses back there.
Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 32
million people happy."
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Tue Jan 24th, 2006 03:08 am |
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What's funnier: a scary Harper, a sincere Martin, or a smart Layton?
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None. The funniest part is that they all look like road pizza under the plane. 
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longbich
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Posted: Tue Jan 24th, 2006 09:05 am |
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President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?” George asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
Lard T'underin' bye", said Archie, I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins," said Archie,” I’ll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!
What do you call the day after two days rain in Vancouver? Monday
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longbich
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Posted: Wed Jan 25th, 2006 07:34 am |
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The jokes on you Canadians....I was right...no matter who you voted for a politician got in. Damn! Congratulations or commiserations whatever you feel like. All the best.
longbich
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Drake
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Posted: Wed Jan 25th, 2006 03:10 pm |
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Two Newfie hunters got a pilot to fly them into the interior to hunt for moose. They bagged six. As they were loading the plane for the
return trip, the pilot said he could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down into the woods shortly after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreckage, Peter asked his buddy, " Where do ya tink we are, bye?"
"Lord tunder ... I'd say we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo
momma's house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and 'bout the 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell yo that you ain't my daddy and watch the 'spression on yo face.
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longbich
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Posted: Sun Jan 29th, 2006 04:09 am |
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What does an Inuit get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
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longbich
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Posted: Sun Jan 29th, 2006 04:17 am |
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“Have you lived in Manitoba all your life?”
“Not yet. It just feels like it."
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longbich
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Posted: Mon Jan 30th, 2006 11:40 pm |
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| Mark Steyn:It's not so much that Francophones themselves can't take a joke, but that the bien-pensant Anglos who police English Canadian culture don't want to risk letting them be put in the position of having to take a joke, lest it tear the country apart. There's a lesson here, both for the European Union and an increasingly Hispanicized U.S.: Gags are one of the great pillars of a common culture, but they're one of the first things to get lost in translation--and if you can't share a joke, it's hard to have a shared culture. That's why multilingual societies tend toward the humorless: see Switzerland and Belgium
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longbich
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Posted: Tue Jan 31st, 2006 07:38 am |
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"How do you tell the bride at a Canadian wedding?"
"She's the one wearing white."
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