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Drake
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Posted: Tue Jan 31st, 2006 03:55 pm |
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Perhaps not the best place to post this...
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your Choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
----------------------------------------------
Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember:
Amateurs built the Ark
Professionals built the Titanic
and in case you never saw this one...
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Tue Jan 31st, 2006 07:20 pm |
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Drake wrote: Perhaps not the best place to post this...
Perhaps? You think? It's humor about Canadians? It's humor?
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SamHouston
Member
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Posted: Tue Jan 31st, 2006 07:32 pm |
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It's another 'oldie' with some added insight into 'WHY THEY DO THAT'...
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . . .
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No golf (no other reason needed)
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.(yikes)
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
Sammy......  ![[bounce]](/forums/themes/default/1syellow1.gif) ![[gun]](/forums/themes/default/violent-smiley-093.gif) ........................![[osama]](/forums/themes/default/violent-smiley-104.gif)
Last edited on Wed Feb 1st, 2006 02:57 am by
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Drake
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Posted: Tue Jan 31st, 2006 07:53 pm |
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L Gilbert wrote: Drake wrote: Perhaps not the best place to post this...
Perhaps? You think? It's humor about Canadians? It's humor?
Well for true humor I should post this on a US thread and let the extremists hash it out. I agree it's not humour (as in a joke) and it's not Canadian per say...though it has relevence here
But, posting here results in fewer debates on social issues....
Move it elsewhere if you wish
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longbich
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Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2006 11:02 am |
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Drake wrote: I agree it's not humour (as in a joke) and it's not Canadian
Well that's good enough for me.....ha ha ha ha ha . Why else would you post on a "Any Canadian Humour " board? Ha ha ha ha ha
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Drake
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Posted: Mon Feb 6th, 2006 02:31 pm |
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A blonde in Toronto was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, she said,
"Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place. I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."
Instantly, and miraculously, a parking place appeared.
She looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!"
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Drake
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Posted: Tue Feb 7th, 2006 09:06 pm |
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The Genie
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked If she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans
and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but
not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 8th, 2006 07:30 am |
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A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of he boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 8th, 2006 07:38 am |
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An Alberta senior citizen bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He
took off down #2 Hwy, speeding at 140 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through
what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought, as he roared down the highway. He pushed
the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror,
and discovered an RCMP Highway Patrol car right behind him, blue lights
flashing, and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man. He pushed the
gas pedal all the way to the floor, and flew down the highway at 180 kph.
Then 190, and 220.
Then he thought, "What am doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." So
he pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the officer to catch
up with him.
The officer pulled in behind the Corvette, and calmly walked up to the
driver's door. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in
20 minutes. If you can explain why you were speeding away from me, with an
excuse that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the officer and said, "Ten years ago, my wife ran off with
an RCMP Highway Patrol Officer, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the officer, "and drive carefully."
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 8th, 2006 07:46 am |
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| Just realized the second last joke is missing the punchline: "No," the woman replies,"I work for Revenue Canada."
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Drake
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Posted: Wed Feb 8th, 2006 12:39 pm |
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L Gilbert wrote: Just realized the second last joke is missing the punchline: "No," the woman replies,"I work for Revenue Canada."
Doh!
A Living Will....Short & Sweet
An Albertan and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said
To her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that
ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
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longbich
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 04:06 am |
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A Canadian walks out of a bar.
The follow up to the the one that goes "A Canadian walks into a bar"
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longbich
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 04:11 am |
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Provincial Cow Moo's from Saskatchewan?
The only cow in a small town in Alberta,Canada, stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Melfort, Saskatchewan, for $200. They paid the money and brought the cow from Saskatchewan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the local veterinarian from the next town over, who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening:
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away" they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow in Saskatchewan?
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Saskatchewan?"
The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Saskatchewan."
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 05:06 am |
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Cow Politics
LIBERAL
-You have two cows.
-Your neighbor has none.
-You feel guilty for being successful.
-Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your
congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow.
-You hold a concert to raise awareness of cow-lessness.
-Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less, who couldn’t attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend.
-You wear a ribbon that signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven’t done anything to help them at all.
CONSERVATIVE
-You have two cows.
-Your neighbor has none.
-So?
SOCIALIST
-You have two cows.
-The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
-You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
-You have two cows.
-The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
-You wait in line for hours to get it.
-It is expensive and sour.
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 05:07 am |
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CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
-You have two cows.
-You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
-You have two cows.
-The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
-You have two cows.
-The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
-You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
-You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
-You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
-Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You go on strike because you want three cows.
-You go to lunch and drink wine.
-Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
-They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
-Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
-Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
-While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
-You break for lunch.
-Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You have some vodka.
-You count them and learn you have four cows.
-You have some more vodka.
-You count them again and learn you have eight cows.
-The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
-You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
-You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
-Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-They go into hiding.
-They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
-You have two bulls.
-Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
CALIFORNIAN
-You have a cow and a bull.
-The bull is depressed.
-It has spent its life living a lie.
-It goes away for two weeks.
-It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
-You now have two cows.
-One makes milk; the other doesn’t.
-You try to sell the transgender cow.
-Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
-You lose in court.
-You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
-You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
-You change your business to beef.
-PETA pickets your farm.
-Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
-Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows.”
-Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm “for the
children.”
-Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
-The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
-You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
-The cow starves to death.
-The L.A. Times’ op-ed says your business failure is Bush’s fault.
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 05:14 am |
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Socialism -- If you have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbor.
Communism -- If you have 2 cows, you give them to the government; and the government gives you some milk.
Fascism -- If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price.
Nazism -- If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.
New Dealism -- (FDR Version) If you have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then pour the milk down the drain.
Capitalism -- (Reaganomics) If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.
Anarchism -- If you have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.
Utopianism -- If you have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.
Pure Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows.The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Pure Communism -- You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism -- You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Cambodian Communism -- You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Dictatorship -- You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Bureaucracy -- You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Pure Anarchy -- You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
Surrealism -- You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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SamHouston
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 06:19 pm |
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 still this funny!!!  Sammy!!
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SamHouston
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 06:22 pm |
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 lmao!!!! so is this! Sammy!
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SamHouston
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 06:24 pm |
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bump!!!!!  ![[grin]](/forums/themes/default/grinning-smiley-007.gif) Sammy!Last edited on Thu Feb 9th, 2006 06:27 pm by SamHouston
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SamHouston
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 06:26 pm |
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| Do you THINK I'm in trouble? this is an Canadian site! Don't tell the DEMO-Americans...I maybe band for life......... from that board!!!!! Sammy!!!!
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