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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 07:31 pm |
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I wouldn't worry bout it Sammy. There's probably a few Americans that think those are funny, too.  )
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Drake
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| Joined: | Fri Dec 9th, 2005 |
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| Posts: | 624 |
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 09:42 pm |
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I just got this in the mail
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Feb, 20, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses,
Diplomas will be issued to the survivors
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longbich
Member
| Joined: | Sat Oct 29th, 2005 |
| Location: | Downunder |
| Posts: | 4328 |
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Posted: Fri Feb 10th, 2006 11:31 pm |
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A recent British study demonstrated the different humour "personalities" of different nations: while the British, Irish and Australians favoured jokes involving word play, continental Europeans liked jokes with a surreal flavour. Canadians tended to favour jokes whose main subject was foolish, or made to look foolish by someone else.The study was not able to find anyone with a sense of humor in the USA in the current atmosphere of distrust.
Canadians don’t like it when people take themselves too seriously; we have a deeply-entrenched ability to laugh at ourselves, but not in a mean-spirited way.
Two cases of SARS in Newfoundland have resulted in death:One died from a SAR neck & the other from a SAR t’roat
US Condom Factory Blows Up
President George Bush called Harper with an emergency: "Our largest
condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's
favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"George, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power
to help you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Harper
Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Bush.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color; at least 10" long and 4"
in diameter?" said Bush
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Harper hung up
and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make
1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in color; at least
10" long and 4" in diameter."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "and print 'MADE IN CANADA; MEDIUM SIZE'
on each one."
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longbich
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| Location: | Downunder |
| Posts: | 4328 |
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Posted: Mon Feb 13th, 2006 07:23 am |
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An Old Ukrainian woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Toronto City Building, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. The little old Ukrainian Baba says, "my, what lovely aromas"!
One turns to the old Ukrainian woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Loren, $150 an ounce!"
The other young and beautiful woman also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
The little Ukrainian woman is feeling very insulted from the remarks made to her. About 3 floors later, the old Ukrainian Baba has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says...
"Cabbage. 49 cents a pound."
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Mon Feb 13th, 2006 05:05 pm |
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In honor of Wonderer and his woeful abstinence, a prayer:
[size=Our Lager:
Which art in barrels;
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages;
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and The Lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
]
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Mon Feb 13th, 2006 06:01 pm |
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The
"Prime Minister"
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the "Government".
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the "People".
The nanny, we will consider her the "Working Class".
And your baby brother, we will call him the "Future".
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, the "Prime Minister" is screwing the "Working Class" while the "Government" is sound asleep.
The "People" are being ignored and the "Future" is in deep s***."
Last edited on Mon Feb 13th, 2006 06:03 pm by L Gilbert
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longbich
Member
| Joined: | Sat Oct 29th, 2005 |
| Location: | Downunder |
| Posts: | 4328 |
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Posted: Tue Feb 14th, 2006 10:58 pm |
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An American, a Canadian and a French Canadian go into a bar.
How can you tell which one is from each country?
The American wants a Budweiser.
The Canadian wants a Molson.
The French Canadian wants a separate check.
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 15th, 2006 07:46 pm |
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An Alberta senior citizen bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He
took off down #2 Hwy, speeding at 140 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through
what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought, as he roared down the highway. He pushed
the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror,
and discovered an RCMP Highway Patrol car right behind him, blue lights
flashing, and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man. He pushed the
gas pedal all the way to the floor, and flew down the highway at 180 kph.
Then 190, and 220.
Then he thought, "What am doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." So
he pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the officer to catch
up with him.
The officer pulled in behind the Corvette, and calmly walked up to the
driver's door. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in
20 minutes. If you can explain why you were speeding away from me, with an
excuse that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the officer and said, "Ten years ago, my wife ran off with
an RCMP Highway Patrol Officer, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the officer, "and drive carefully."
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Drake
Member
| Joined: | Fri Dec 9th, 2005 |
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| Posts: | 624 |
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Posted: Wed Feb 15th, 2006 07:58 pm |
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FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shxt
Amen.
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 16th, 2006 06:06 am |
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Efficiency
Called Wal Mart in Langley today, asked the operator for the Food Department.
Ring, ring, ring, ring ring, maybe 15 times.
Person answering the phone "hello"
I ask 'what department do I have now?"
Woman replied " I am a customer, the ringing just got to me."
Now that is efficiency, have customers answer your phone.
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longbich
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| Joined: | Sat Oct 29th, 2005 |
| Location: | Downunder |
| Posts: | 4328 |
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Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2006 10:43 am |
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 Is Waldo Canadian?
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2006 07:43 pm |
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I don't see a maple leaf patch anywhere. 
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longbich
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Posted: Tue Feb 21st, 2006 05:37 am |
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Choo Choo Choo woooo wooooooooooo!
Back in the days when trains ran in Newfoundland, a passenger was travelling from Corner Brook to St. John'n when, all of a sudden, there was a tremendous thump and bang followed by a really rough ride for a few seconds. This was followed by another thump, bang and the ride became smooth again.
Just then, the conductor was passing through the car, so the passenger asked, "What happened back there?"
The conductor replied, "Oh, we just ran over a mainlander."
The passenger asked, "What, was he lying on the track?"
The conductor replied, "Oh no, he was out in the field but we got him!"
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longbich
Member
| Joined: | Sat Oct 29th, 2005 |
| Location: | Downunder |
| Posts: | 4328 |
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Posted: Tue Feb 21st, 2006 06:31 am |
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How did the first Newfie get to Toronto?
A bunch of Newfies were playing hockey on the frozen-over Gulf of St. Lawrence, and one guy got a breakaway.
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Hiawatha
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 21st, 2006 09:21 am |
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Haven't got any Canadian jokes, but I heard an old guy in a cafe, say yesterday...."Did you know that America is the only place in world history that has gone from a state of Barbarism to Decadence without an intervening period of civilisation?" I thought that was really funny, but figure I will get crucified for passing it on here! Last edited on Tue Feb 21st, 2006 09:21 am by Hiawatha
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longbich
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| Joined: | Sat Oct 29th, 2005 |
| Location: | Downunder |
| Posts: | 4328 |
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Posted: Wed Feb 22nd, 2006 05:11 am |
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Newfie Waiter: Would you like to try the beef tongue?
Mainlander: No, I do not eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth.
Newfie Waiter: Would you like an omelette instead?
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Hiawatha
Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 22nd, 2006 08:44 am |
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| nice one, longbich!
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longbich
Member
| Joined: | Sat Oct 29th, 2005 |
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| Posts: | 4328 |
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Posted: Thu Feb 23rd, 2006 01:03 am |
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 Thomas Chandler Haliburton "Father of American Humor" Windsor, Nova Scotia's famous citizen.
"Facts are stranger than fiction" - Thomas Chandler Haliburton
I wasn't born yesterday
You're as sharp as a tack
A stitch in time saves nine
Barking up the wrong tree
Circumstances alter cases
A miss is as good as a mile
The early bird gets the worm
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 23rd, 2006 05:51 pm |
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One afternoon Paul Martin was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. The driver asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We have to eat grass," the poor man replied. "We don't have any money for food."
Shocked, Martin said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," Martin replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all!" the Prime Minister answered.
They all jammed into the huge limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the PM and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for bringing all of us with you."
Genuinely touched, Paul Martin replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high and I have acres!"
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Feb 23rd, 2006 05:52 pm |
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Little Christopher is sitting in biology class, and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter, no other
animal in the world does this.
Suddenly, the little boy's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Christopher," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda,
the neighbour's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went
"ffffffffff! fffffffffff! ffffffffff !!! But before he could say "F*** off!", the dog ate him".
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